A long week....................... and a good one

This last week was all about work and dive , work and dive. But today I am off. So here I sit listening to Sudden Rush, this hawaiian hip-hop group, now wait before you make some kind of snap judgement. These guys actually have a great band. They are all about Hawaiian Sovereignty. The music is a really intriguing mix between hawaiiana and traditional scratch and sample hip-hop. The radio stations here tend to play and over play the top 40 hawaiian music and after about a month of being here I could sing all the songs on the radio. They don't give Sudden Rush much airplay because they are very blatant about what they want to see for the future of Hawaii. And honestly I agree with them 100%.

Dogs .............better, me..................... tired

If you're at work and looking for an excuse to fool around on the internet for 5 minutes, check out www.moveon.org click on the 'taking on fox' link to have letters sent to the Federal Trade Commission, your Representative and Senator requesting that Fox news no longer be allowed to falsely advertise their news programming as "fair and balanced."

It's also a fun sight to poke around

nighty night

Today, I had the best intentions.........

But after paddling many miles and then coming home to the unruly two (dogs). And discovering that Ipo stole my new shoes, Cholly pooped in front of the entire Fairwinds crowd, which wasn't embarassing as much as annoying.....DAMMIT Ipo just peed on the floor..................I have to scream into the pillow now.................and then clean it up. I have had all the calm zapped out of me..............I must go now

I have a thing for cowboys..........

Well, not real cowboys. I have a thing for this idealize cowboy from the old westerns. Maybe not even them, maybe just the image of them. They don't exist...............ah, that's it.....I have a thing for something that doesn't exist. Unless you go here, thanks to the internet I can find people who fit my weird little obsessions...........
Meet my internet husband : Lajos Kassai
"Lajos, this is everyone"

If you have the bandwidth download the film clip, he is..........words cannot describe him.

Ooops........I did it again

I need to pay more attention to those damned keystroke commands.............i keep deleting what i have written before I can save it.
Well, i guess it will give me time to rethink what i was writing.
In the meantime

What a beautiful face

I have found in this place

That is circling all round the sun

What a beautiful dream

That could flash on the screen

In a blink of an eye and be gone from me

Soft and sweet

Let me hold it close and keep it here with me



And one day we will die

And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea

But for now we are young

Let us lay in the sun

And count every beautiful thing we can see

Love to be

In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me



Anna's ghost all around

Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me

Soft and sweet

How the notes all bend and reach above the trees 



Now how I remember you

How I would push my fingers through

Your mouth to make those muscles move

That made your voice so smooth and sweet

And now we keep where we don't know

All secrets sleep in winter clothes

With one you loved so long ago

Now he don't even know his name



What a beautiful face

I have found in this place

That is circling all round the sun

And when we meet on a cloud

I'll be laughing out loud

I'll be laughing with everyone I see

Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all



Thanks to Neutral Milk Hotel

Crackin' damn good day Grommit!!!

So, today was okay. Got up crack before dawn early. Drove to the shop to pick up the truck and equipment and as usual Karen had coffee for me. I would marry her if she were a man and not already married to Geoff. But just the fact that she has coffee ready for me every morning is so schwank of her. Even though sometimes I suspect that she thinks that there is something between her husband and me. (Nothing, I swear, not my style). Annnnnyway, drove to the site. My people were already there. When the wife walked down the ramp towards the truck she had a huge armful of case o' beer. I thought "uh, okay....interesting choice of kayaking refreshments" But she had just cleaned up the upper parking area and was throwing the trash away. I had hope, these seemed like good people to spend the morning with.
Got them loaded onto the kayaks and off we went. It was one of those days were the trades could do anything so I took a gamble and headed towards the Hapuna site that I like. We made it in good time no one chummed the water, good thing. I beached the kayaks and we went a'snorkelin'. Nothing out of the usual but the usual is pretty damn nice here. Turtles and fishies and more turtles. Nothing that spectactular happened, but by the time I had loaded the equipment back on the trailer, i just felt calm. There was a local guy eating Opihi and he offered me some and we sat and talked while eating Opihi. I told him next time I would bring some hot sauce for it. Opihi is Hawaiian for "sticks to you".

Dammit.............................

I wrote an whole entry and then hit the close window button (that shouldn't have happened today).
I was attempting to talk about how I have decided to take the journal in a different direction than i had planned. So here we go again................
I have always had a weight problem. Me and my sisters shared this. They went one way, I went the other. Maura was anorexic , and it killed her. Sarah started to follow that path but discovered her own truth and self and stopped it. (PS I will be using their real names because this is real.) Sarah might get mad, but Maura is dead and cannot get mad about it, too late. And our mother, she died 3 years after Maura.
Me, on the other hand, I ate my way through my adolesence. And it started in my late childhood. I have been attempting for a longtime to write about alot of the things that have happened to me. Every first sentence sounds horrible to me. The self-criticism that originally came from an external source rears its anger and starts the beating. I imagine it being read by someone else and it sounds horrid. Juvenile. Immature. And then I qwell it. So today I have published some of it here....................... you be the judge. And don't worry, you can't hurt me more than I have hurt myself.

Paragraph one:

Snow, summer and a horse that ate our apples off of the windowsill. It was always a battle for my mother to get me to eat meat. Something about the chewy emptiness of the gristle that appeared in my mouth after the brown, heavy taste disappeared that made me aware of the hole I felt I was always trying to fill. She would seat us down to a Sunday dinner of Beef Stroganoff and I could smell the dread before I even saw it. It would sit on my plate for so long that it turned to an even more disgusting congealed blob than I had envisioned before. And then the battle began, I had to sit at my plate until I could force this thing down. I ultimately thought of this as a form of stuffing, stuffing down the sobs I could feel just below my throat. They were sitting waiting for any reason to come out. I had no sympathy for my mother at that time. At the moment she only existed to make me eat this painful mess. If I could manage to eat this then I was praised, to me it made no sense and yet I yearned for the love behind the praise. And so I would try my best to choke it all down. The sobs and the globs. When I couldn’t my mother would sit me on the porch where it always felt like rain and wait and wait in hopes that I would end up famished and realize my love for this white and brown dish. Once I figured out how much the dog liked this dish I would sneak it to him, I would poke a hole in the screen on the porch and push as much as I could thru, I would wad the chewy pieces up in a napkin and then excuse myself to the bathroom (flush) until I was caught.